Ballad of Mike Fender

The Ballad of Mike Fender

Ian likes the disaster stories, here's one for Bonner.

The Ballad of Mike Fender,
circa: 1983

     In the early 80's I was playing guitar with "The Water Brothers" a popular 5 piece San Francisco Club band that did mostly original material and worked the club circuit. A tight little rock unit with plenty of room for the "show off" solo guitar player (me). I played a '57 goldtop Gibson Les Paul with stock humbuckers through a black face Super Reverb, dime-ed out (full blast) when ever possible.
After a forced layoff of nearly five years, due to tendon problems, the Water Brothers was the first band I had played in, in quite awhile, and I was having a ball. We had a manager (who looked like a diminutive Rod Stewart) a band van AND a roadie!! (who even set up our rehearsals!!)I was living large, kids.
      But this story is about Mike Fender, and I'll get to him in a sec. The Water Brothers had played a lot and this particular week. I had played 5 nights in a row, and was fried to a crisp, beat to a pulp and was hoping to look at the inside of my eyelids for a day or two and recharge.
Mike Fender was a aspiring human juke box. I've meet a few Human Juke Boxes, in my travels that were astonishing. Seattles' Billy Mac, for instance, can play any song he's ever heard (whether he's ever played it before or not! Genius!) and 90% of the time can imitate the singer on the record (male or female) almost perfectly!!....... Mike Fender,...... was not in that class. He was a guy that just learned a million tunes and played 'em all in a row and sounded remarkably like...... "Mike Fender". He wasn't a bad singer or guitar player, he was just "dry".
His hero was Michael Murphy, who had the house gig at the "Tar & Feathers" bar & restaurant for years on end. It was a very popular night spot in San Francisco's Union street district and he was legendary for packing the house nightly. Michael Murphy, WAS also.... a human juke box and could play just about any request there was, and had a great act,..... lots of personality...,....always got the audience involved in his shows...... plus the guy was a great comedian, told lots of jokes and played & sang extremely well. Again,..... Mike Fender?....not so much. Mike came from a wealthy family however; and did hire,... his own personal roadie!
      Mike Fender's stage set up,..... now this is for a SINGLE mind you,.... was a huge multicolored persian carpet (12x12) on which rested a state of the art PA system (with monitors) several guitar amplifiers, a Fender Twin, a Rowland JC120 and his GUITAR COLLECTION of ten guitars (which he rarely played) he had 'em all ready to go though (Gibson Super 400, Martins, Gibsons, Ovations all out on stands) AND his own LIGHTING!!! The roadie multi tasked as..... set up guy,..... PA guy ......& Lighting guy (the lighting changed with every tune) I'm telling ya the guy was equipped!
      Mike Fender always wanted the gig at the Tar & Feathers, but Murphy was unbeatable, he was just too good, it just was not to be. None the less that's what Mike Fender wanted most of all.
      Like I said, this particular week I had played tons of gigs and was fried. So Mike Fender gets my phone number from my good friend, Kevin Fallon, calls me, and asks if I want to play tomorrow night for some big gig he had,....... apparently his guitar player had quit suddenly..... (play minor chord here).... a piece of trivia that would come back to haunt me.
      I'm crisp, I'm toast, I'm killed, I'm dead, I'm beat, I'm battered and fried,....... stick a fork in me I was done!! So I turn him down. ......He calls me back 10 minutes later, instead of $100 he'll pay $150, nice offer but...I'm dead, I turn him down......10 minutes later Mike calls back, he's gotta have me,.... the offer is now $200.
      I'm flattered, but I question him, doesn't he do a single? Lots of pop tunes and oldies?......... Yes, he does..... but he feels I'm still the guy he wants. I explain to him that I do not have a big oldies repertoire off the top of my head.......that I'm mainly a blues/rock player,....... does he have charts?....... ...no charts.......song list?.........no song list..."Just wing it!" He sez.
      I turn him down,..... explaining that I'm really not a "wing it" kinda guy. If it's Blues & R&B Maaaybe, but pop songs nah! (I'm a stickler for knowing songs before I play them...I HATE to look bad...very unprofessional).
      10 minutes later he calls back, $250 and a steak & lobster dinner....what can I say...... I caved.....Have I ever heard Mike Fender's act?.......noooooo.......big mistake.
      The next night I head out, I didn't even have bring an amp he had plenty of extras (extra amps? ok) ...the gig was somewhere in the East Bay, Hayward or something, big restaurant with a HUGE Ball Room (with terraced seating, no less), PACKED with folks in suits and ties, all there for a "retirement dinner"! Like, maybe.... 300 people were there.
      Mike has his whole rig set up, persian carpet, guitar collection, lighting ...the works! Smack dab in the middle of the ball room.
I tune my guitar up and am told to go to the restaurant and eat my steak and lobster, just sign Mike Fenders' name, they're expecting me. I need no prodding.
      Meanwhile, in the ball room the master of ceremonies starts the retirement dinner off with a bunch of speeches from different folks...blah...blah...blah...I couldn't wait to leave.
      After dinner I waltz back in, they're still yakin' it up. There's an open bar and I help myself. Free Whiskey? Thanks I'll have some (in those days I could drink! lemmie tell yah). The speeches wind down and Mike's ready to go. The sound-man-lighting-guy-roadie.... is NOW Mike's MC!!,......he sprints to the middle of the carpet, big grin plastered on his kisser..... and introduces him (Mike) at the top of his lungs through the elaborate PA system,..... telling the folks what a treat they're in for...The One..the Only...(Groucho?) ....MIIIIIIKE FENDER!!
There is a smattering of applause ( I mean smattering) and Mike turns on the charm and launches into his first selection....."Sunny Side of the Street".
     "Sunny Side of the Street"??? Are yah kiddin me?.... Am I playing a steam powered guitar or something?.... Are we gonna do "Tip Toe Through the Tulips" next? ....I am so embarrassed I can barely take it....(the steak & lobster rumbling uncomfortably now).... he gets through 2 flowery verses of "Sunny Side", (grab your coat and grab your haaat...leave your worries on the doorstep...just direct your feet..to the sunny side of the street)... turns around..... and beams at me..
     "Take it Billy! (where?)...Ladies & Gentlemen...MISTER Billy Stapleton!" This time there is no smattering.....I am mentally scrambling for SOMETHING to play to freakin' "Sunny Side of the Street" ....... I get through it sorta...and mercifully after a few more verses, it ends. I figure it couldn't get any worse, (eying the exits, I've only got my guitar,.....I could run for it!..... I got a free dinner,... let 'em KEEP the money!) but I got ready for the second tune, the show must go on.
      Mike calls.........."When you're Smiling"!!!!....... My mouth is so far open you could have driven a semi truck into my dental work. From       "Sunny Side of the Street" to "When You're Smiling"!!???......man, I've played some square gigs in my day, but this rapidly becoming a       "Greatest Stone Age Hits" cavalcade, what's next? "Under the Double Eagle?" "Old Black Joe"? "Camptown Races?"
      Again, I'm scrambling, I don't (at this point in my musical career/knowledge) know how to play all this old baloney,...... could we play something from THIS CENTURY?? For the love of God?
      For me, now, time is standing still,...... I have HOURS of this torture ahead of me, "The Candyman Can"..... "You're Just too Good to be True"... "Feelings".... "Where are the Clowns?".... "Bill Bailey".... "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN!!!"" YAAHH!!
But while I am coming apart at the seams trying to play this crap,.... out in the ballroom..... with the terraced seating......almost as SOON as Mike began playing...the 300 people in the audience acted as if someone had announced over the PA system that the building was ON FIRE!! and had to be evacuated IMMEDIATELY!!
      They are jammed up in the isles in an attempt to escape. (Cowards) Lines of people streaming for the exits, putting on coats and hats as they leave, food sticking out of their mouths as they eat and run...open bar? "Nah.....gotta go!" It was a stampede! Nothing inspires a musician or performer more than the audience running away like lemmings over a cliffside.
      Mike, meanwhile is trying to lead a SING ALONG to "Michael Row the Boat Ashore"!! (I am drop dead serious)
     "Milk an honey on the other side'...just the men sing.."
     "Sister helped to trim the sails'..all the women sing now"
     And of course "Take it away Billy!"
      Has anyone ever in the history of recorded time PLAYED a stinking guitar solo to "Michael Row the Boat Ashore"?.... I doubt it...I really do....but I did. The last 5 nights, I'd played lead guitar for a really good rock band, for very cool crowds AND NOW..I'm backing.... Aurthur Godfrey.
      After AN HOUR AND A HALF STRAIGHT (oh, the humanity) of this, I say, "Man .....isn't it time for a break?"
     "I never take breaks......." he sez "...but you can.."
      ZZooooooom, I'm off the bandstand, at the open bar, cigarette lit, trying not to FREAK OUT!
     "Can I get 5 Daniels over please??"
     "Certainly, sir."
      Bear in mind, that at this point, the ball room might have 6 or 7 people left in it after the mass evacuation. I'm not exaggerating, there may have been less. And Mike Fender's going into the 5th verse of "the Piano Man" as if it was a packed house.
There are two guys in the front table that the words "open bar" could be substituted for "paradise"...they're not goin' anywhere! Lost in some cryptic conversation that spanned the hours, they would dutifully clap at the end of each song....that's all Mike Fender needed. It was a three hour gig...the ball room was booked until midnight....he played straight through (never even took a bathroom break) 'til midnight.......and he played every minute until five past midnight.........when he finally,...... mercifully surrendered my $250. (I maintained that if there had been two one-armed men, a righty and a lefty, clapping he would have done encores)
      I felt as if I had been hung by my heels, beaten with a rope, and forced to play "Kasey Kasems Lamest Songs of All Time"...BRUTAL...it was Brutal.....Mike finally broke out some Elvis stuff towards the end that had been bearable,.... and seeing as I had only my guitar,... when the last chord was sounded, I was outa there,..... feeling ashamed........I had become.... a "gig whore".
      Yes....... the two drunks were still there..... applauding...and as I looked back into the hall over my shoulder...Mike was walking up to chat with his two "fans".......ahh showbiz.